I'm writing again. almost compulsively. something might be deduced from this i guess. like dream reading. or was in interpretation? well either ways, not my cup of tea...somebody took down all the curtains at my place today and the effect was rather startling. for one thing i didnt know the place could let in so much of light. for another, i was shown the extent to which i could be privy to to other people's lives. and vice versa. so good? or bad? or both? well predominantly bad. i dont like being looked at. not in this way. i like looking in. furtively. some would use the word peeping. some voyeur. is that wrong? coul be. again, im hovering within that grey zone of uncertainty...
but there is much to be said for those who peep in. you look in, the light shines bright. the stage is set for the daily soap opera. types. always i meet types. people who fit in. people who have maddeningly secure lives. patterned lives. routine. did i say maddeningly? funny i should be saying that, when its that maddening security that draws me there. have you ever felt this way? that you have your nose pressed against a window pane and are looking in upon a cozy family room? the trick is that you always have to be outside. in the snow. in the storm. an outsider looking in.
what does it feel to be inside? ah..but that is where the catch lies. within, the cracks become apparent, the crevices take control. the picture is spoilt. no. i like it here. outside. looking in.

it's that time of the year when time is your biggest fear....loads and loads of it....and nothing to do. you'd think that's the way to live? compulsive entertainment? heard a phrase from calvin and hobbes? who ever knew having fun was this hard work!
life's confusing. so many things that you once thought would never change...so many people...so many feelings. sometimes i wonder if words are adequate to express all thatone feels. lately i have begun to question the efficacy of words. they can hide so much. so very much. masks and more masks, that's what i make best. masks of words, letters on page, hiding all, revealing all. maybe what really scares me is the fact that my words reveal everything. if you look hard enough, it is all there. bare, naked, vulnerable. secrets are my passion. whether i like them or not, i can't avoid them. they pile up within me, stack upon stack, choking me, violently seeking a way out....being melodramatic again. masks up. face the world. belinda smiled...and the world was gay....