i am depressed. again. it's becoming a little tedious. i had envisioned this blog entry would be all about my sudden fascination with new york. it obviously isn't. it's just that i see nothing great ahead of me. i do not know why i have come back here once again. i had managed to hold myself up alright for a few days. then new york was simply mind blowingly amazing. but coming back to tampa has not been easy. it is such a small town. i miss the city. i miss the crazy charm of a big city. where you can get lost so easily. where you have such a multitude of sense perceptions surrounding you.
it's just about a month away from my birthday. usually by now im plotting and planning as to how make that special day extra special. now i can do nothing. i have a sinking feeling that im going to spend that sunday sitting sadly at home, dreading the monday classes as usual. nothing new. no spark. just another day. welcome to la la land. things shouldnt be this way. i should be happy. i was happy in new york. gloriously happy. things worked well that day. the weather, the city...everything looked just right. goldylocks had found the right bed, the bowl of porridge.
i shouldn't be complaining so much you know. i like the stuff that i have to read. im fascinated by derrida. and that is what i have work on now. create something that is mine.
should i aply for journalism? i dont know. i might get into the programme, but do i want to leave what i am studying right now? no. definitely not. this is what i have been looking for. but teaching? now that's a whole different ball game. and im not even too sure if i am cut out for it. but i am not shirking my responsibilities. i am carrying them out as best as i can. if i am not having any fun in the process, well then it's just too bad. the proverb is well known. you certainly cannot have your cake and eat it too. although right now i am not too sure if the cake is entirely in my possession or am i terribly mistaken?