another life of waiting. for what? i know not. i wait. like the proverbial idiot. do idiots wait? profound question, but i dont have an anwser. these days i dont have too many answers. what do i do? how do i make it right? sometimes i think i am doing it all wrong. it was my fault that all this happened anyways so who am i to crib. but crib i still do, hoping for one of those miracles to emerge from somewhere. let it go girl, let it all go. let the good times go. let the bad times go. question is, how? how do i stop myself from staring into something i dont want? i was afraid of meeting him. now i'm petrfied. what difference does it make? none, i know. oh but i love him. i love him so much. he is my baby. was. all has changed. changed so much that i no longer know anything anymore. i look at myself now and i dont recognise the girl i was. so how will he? two strangers will meet in a world without possibilities. i know i will get over this. someday. somehow. till then i will crib. hey, i can do that much can't i? juvenile. but of course i am juvenile. but at least when i talk about her he talks. otherwise the silence is too much for me. i was never one for silences anyways. never one for living a life without words. and when words are all you have how can life go on without them? if life can go on without him, then words are mere pebbles on the beach. of pebbles and of scribbles. not me. it was not me. the smell, the memory, the rain, the smile after the rain. it is not me any more. it was. not so long ago it was. i was there. now i am not. people come. people go. life goes on. he said, move on with your life. i am trying baby, i am trying. but i love you too much. and there is no way i can tell you. if there had been invisible words you would have seen all my love in letters. as you would have heard it in my silences. i know you know. you know i know you know. but is it only me? am i only a distant memory? self pity, gir, this is all self pity. grow up. get out of it. shit happens. life goes on. so will yours. you will look back and laugh. i keep telling myself that but why do i find it so hard to believe? why do i find it so hard to end this? even these words? why do i feel the moment i will stop writing all of it will come crashing back on me again? because i know only too well that it will. so i keep on writing. in a vain hope that i will be able to keep all else at bay. if i succeed you will know. if i fail, even then. it seems only yesterday that i met him. only yesterday we were spending a lifetime all in one night. i can see her right now. huddled beside the window, clutching her blue little cellphone and typing out her life as the rain comes pouring down. he's right there, waiting for her. her little boy. his girl. a girl in a blue dress. his girl. she liked that. she wanted to be his. when she crossed the road, she could imagine him standing there at the bus stop, smiling a smile only he could. she can see it all. the room, those stolen hours, the birds in the wide open sky under which they sat...where did it all go? why did it all have to end? there is no answer.shadows, he says. shadows came in the way. yes, he is right. they did. she let them in. time and again as he tried, she messed it all up. now its just not fair that she asks him to back. what is gone is gone. shadows took them away? maybe it wasn't only the shadows. maybe it was. what difference does it make?
let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. love is not love that alters when it alteration finds, or bend with the remover to remove. o no, it is an ever fixed mark that looks upon tempests and is never shaken. it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown although it's heighth be taken. love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass comes. love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom. if this be error and upon me proved, i never writ, nor no man ever loved.
pretty words. but it ends. they all do.